Humour

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Trumpeter??? Stacy Hedger - Star Wars

Some things defy description!

Written by Ian McKenzie on October 11th, 2007 with no comments.
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Brass Band Resources - The Internet Bandsman’s Everything Within

In addition to a fine band web-site, the Harrogate Band maintains what is likely the most complete collection of links to brass band resources. The site’s title, “The Internet Bandsman’s ‘Everything Within’” (IBEW) is a nod to the Victorian domestic how-to handbook, “Enquire Within Upon Everything.”

At the IBEW site you will find thousands of links to brass band information organized by the following categories:

From the front page:

The complete information resource for brass bands world-wide. All entries completely free, including events diary, vacancies and mini web pages.

The world’s most comprehensive collection of links to Brass Band related web sites, contacts, addresses and reference information. A complete directory of brass band web sites across the world, brass ensembles, other bands, people, suppliers, music, books, CDs, instruments, recordings, services, organisations, contest, concert and festivals details and diary, vacancies, history, championships, humour, vintage pictures, brass band genealogies, extinct bands, and much more! Over 7,000 entries to explore. Serving the brass band community since 1997, with over 1000 visitors per day.

Brass Band Resources - The Internet Bandsman’s “Everything Within”

[tags]Brass Bands, Resources, Brass Music, Books, Reference, Humour[/tags]

Written by Ian McKenzie on June 17th, 2006 with no comments.
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3 Trumpets and 3 Trombones

Three Trombonists and three Trumpet players are traveling by train through Europe on a brass choir tour. At the station, the Trumpet players each buy tickets and watch as the three Trombonists buy only a single ticket among them.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Trumpet player.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Trombonist.

They all board the train. The Trumpet players take their respective seats but all three Trombonists cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Trumpet players saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the performance, the Trumpet players decided to copy the Trombonists (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Trombonists don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Trumpet player.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Trombonist.

When they board the train the three Trumpet players quickly cram into one restroom, and then the Trombonists quickly cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Trombonists leaves their restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Trumpet players are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…..”

Written by Ian McKenzie on June 10th, 2006 with no comments.
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Make up of The Brass Band

The modern brass band consists of:

Eb Soprano cornet Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band

Principal cornet Conceited – uses too much vibrato

Second man down or bumper upper Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal

Third man down Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse

Fourth man down Like third man down, only louder and thicker

Repiano cornet Waiting for a chance to play principal

2nd cornets Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C

3rd cornets Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G

Flugelhorn Plays flat. Can’t decide whether to be a cornet or a horn

Solo horn Usually a girlie – irrespective of whether a male or female player

Tenor horns Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead

1st Baritone Useless player, out of tune all the time

2nd Baritone Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried

2 Euphoniums Show-off and trainee show-off

1st trombone Steam driven. Rasps most of the time

2nd trombone Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo

Bass trombone Chainsaw with vibrato

Eb basses Look like two drunken farts

Bb basses Sound like two drunken farts

Percussion Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm

Conductor So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above mix sounds good

Written by Ian McKenzie on April 23rd, 2006 with no comments.
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